Life Stinks: Thoughts of a Converted Atheist
Life stinks used to be my motto. There was a time (I was much younger then), when most mornings, I’d sit, tired and hungover, with a cup of black coffee and a cigarette contemplating all the evil in the world. I relived the evil I had experienced, and that I witnessed, and I analyzed all the ways that life stunk. The holidays made it a little better but Thanksgiving, until a few decades ago, always made me angry. Because at Thanksgiving we are supposed to be thankful and during that time I couldn’t think of anything to be thankful for.
I grew up in the 60s and 70s—a time when the world spun in chaos. As a child I experienced abuse and thought it was normal. The evening news showed young men fighting and dying in Vietnam, students being shot at anti-war protests and violent race riots. I’m not saying it was the worst time in history; the world has been broken since the beginning of time and much worse. What I’m saying is, ‘It stunk.’
I’m a Christian now, but then, the hardest thing for me was to see and experience all that evil and still believe in a loving God. For a long time, I thought I had only two choices: either to believe in a cruel God who delighted in human suffering, or to believe there was no God at all—that life was random, and we were on our own to suffer and die. For most of my early life, I chose the latter.
Still, I cared deeply about helping people. However naïve I was, I believed I needed to do something to make the world better—because, as I saw it, there was no God to do it. After college, I joined the Peace Corps and spent five years in Africa, working both as a volunteer and later with an NGO. When I returned to the U.S., I built a long career in human services.
It wasn’t wasted time—far from it—but somewhere inside, I still felt empty. My efforts always seemed inadequate. Through those experiences, however, I became aware of something I couldn’t explain. The world was cruel and chaotic for sure, yet it was also filled with breathtaking beauty. I met people of every color, culture, and faith—people who saved my life---people I came to love.
And I saw raw nature; mountain ranges that left me speechless, the impossible vastness of the oceans, the quiet serenity of the forests where I felt a peace I couldn’t describe.
I started to contemplate this question: How could such beauty exist in a world so filled with evil? I found the only answer that made sense was that there must be a God. For the beauty, I was thankful. For the chaos, I was not.
That tension—the coexistence of good and evil—troubled me for years. Eventually, and I couldn’t find a suitable answer. So I started attending church. I figured it was the one place I hadn’t tried for answers. Then slowly, through time, reflection, and grace, I began to understand and to feel less empty.
“And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.”
— John 1:5 (NKJV)
Now, when Thanksgiving comes, I am truly thankful—thankful for everything that has happened, both the good and the bad. That realization, for me, was nothing short of miraculous.
“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”
— Romans 8:28 (NKJV)
In the next few newsletters, I’ll share more about that journey—how I came to understand God, reconcile the world’s contradictions, and learn to be thankful for all things. Each Monday, I’ll go a little deeper into those experiences and the truths that changed me. I hope you will read it and find some value for your own faith.
Until then;
“In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”
— 1 Thessalonians 5:18 (NKJV)
Even in a broken world, there is still much to be thankful for.
—Stan
