When Giving Doesn’t Change Anything
I’ve talked some about my family before. We were poor; much of it was made worse by my stepfather’s alcoholism. My feelings toward him were complicated. During my senior year in high school, I went to school in the morning and worked full-time, second shift in the factory where he worked. I wanted his approval, but I also resented him. I resented that I had to work, that I gave up sports and time with friends, that I had to buy my own clothes and help with groceries. Still, I wanted him to accept me as his son. I wanted him to be a father to me.
He loved deer hunting and often talked about a shotgun he could never afford; the Ithaca Deerslayer. It cost more than our monthly rent. Even though part of the reason he couldn’t afford it was because he spent his money drinking, something about his longing for the gun began a change in my resentment.
It’s complicated, as almost all my feelings are. Maybe it was because that I was forced into independence and started to see the realities of life that my resentment was softened. Or that I still wanted his approval and saw an opportunity to finally earn it. Either way, I decided to buy him one for Christmas.
To my surprise, when he opened it he began to cry. He left the room. My mom told me later she had never seen him affected like that. Later, he was shaking so bad and couldn’t eat his breakfast, and for the rest of the day he stayed in his room. I was shocked by the way it affected him.
After, he didn’t repent. He didn’t become the father I hoped for. His addiction and his neglect continued. While, my gift didn’t change him, it changed me. I saw him as broken and the compassion I had started to develop, deepened. And looking back, I see something I didn’t understand then; I may have thought I was giving to influence him, to receive something back. But I received something better. I learned to see him clearly. I learned compassion for someone who was broken. And that was the real gift.
We often give with an expectation. We give to repair, to persuade, to receive something in return. But when the return doesn’t come, we think the gift failed. It didn’t. A true gift is never wasted. It returns something greater. In this case, it returned compassion. I didn’t get what I wanted but I got what I needed. The value of a gift isn’t measured by what it produces in others; it’s measured by what it forms in us and the heart that offers it. When what we receive has eternal weight, the gift has done its work.
“And if you lend to those from whom you hope to receive back, what credit is that to you? … But love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return.” Luke 6:34–35 (NKJV)
“I have shown you in every way, by laboring like this, that you must support the weak. And remember the words of the Lord Jesus, that He said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ ” Acts 20:35 NKJV
"Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom. For with the same measure that you use, it will be measured back to you." Luke 6:38 NKJV
Reflection Questions
When have you given something to someone hoping it would change them or your relationship with them? What did you expect, and what actually happened?
I describe my stepfather "as broken" and developing compassion instead of resentment. Who in your life might you be viewing through the lens of resentment rather than seeing their brokenness? How might your perspective shift if you saw them more clearly?
"I didn't get what I wanted but I got what I needed." Reflect on a time when God gave you something you needed rather than what you wanted. How did you recognize the difference, and how has that shaped you?
What "gifts" (time, money, effort, forgiveness) have you withheld from others because you feared they wouldn't produce the results you hoped for? What might happen if you gave them anyway?
I wrote, "The value of a gift isn't measured by what it produces in others; it's measured by what it forms in us." What has a "failed" gift or act of kindness formed in your character that you might have missed at the time?
Jesus calls us to "love your enemies, do good, and lend, hoping for nothing in return" (Luke 6:34-35). What specific relationship or situation is God bringing to mind where He's asking you to give without expectation of return?
The last line of St. Francis's prayer says, "It is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned." How have you experienced receiving through giving, or being pardoned through pardoning someone else? What made that transformation possible?
Prayer
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is discord, union; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy.
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. —Attributed to St. Francis Assisi
